The Death Note Diaries
by Ruler of All Unicorns
Summary: A collection of humorous diaries from the warped mind of Princess Unicorn123 Prepare yourselves for utter nonsense.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Notebook

Hello.

May I start by saying, I do not see the point in writing this. I heard that many people write diaries to express emotion. I am simply bored.

The Kira case is proven difficult and it is taken up a lot of my time as of late. Recently, all leads have dried up and I have found myself at loose ends. I have been passing the time by watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Cats are very entertaining creatures.

I also watched a film series called Twilight. I do not believe in vampires but I hardly doubt they would sparkle. It is not even mildly scary. Though, I suppose it would be very distracting. Also, why do the werewolves feel the need to take off their shirts every 5 minutes. I do not see the attraction in strutting around half naked all the time. Although I do have a slight dislike of wearing shoes, clothes are a very useful thing to have.

Light is looking at me strangely again. I have no idea why. Due to the fact that I still have suspicions about him being Kira, he is still handcuffed to my wrist. This means we have been spending a lot of time in each others company. On the whole it is a pleasant experience but sometimes I catch Light looking at me with an almost hungry expression on his face.

I have deduced that there is a 43% chance Light Yagami is a vampire.

I must go now. Watari is serving cake.

L


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey! This is my first ever Death Note fanfiction! I am on episode 25 just now...**

**It was so sad...**

**L!**

_This fanfic is set when L and Light were handcuffed together (Light lost his memories of the Death Note...)_

Dear Diary

Today, Ryuuzaki was writing in a notebook. Normally, he does everything on the computer so this was unusual. Now that I think about it, he has been acting really...strange lately. He watched a movie called Midnight or something like that. Now, he is sure that I'm a vampire. Also, he is now a fan of K-Pop. He keeps playing a song called "Pon Pon Pon"

It is rather distracting.

I knew Ryuuzaki behaved rather strange but now its just plain creepy.

The Kira case has came to a dead end. Ryuuzaki still insists that I stay handcuffed to him. I know that I'm not Kira! Why would I kill anyone! There are no new leads but the killings are continuing...

Oh god. Ryuuzaki is watching My Little Pony.

Light Yagami


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary

Hi!

Today, Ryuuzaki-kun was acting sooooo weird! He keeps on yelling at Light! He says that Light is a vampire! I knew Ryuuzaki was a little strange but now...he's gone completely banana's!

Light is so awesome! I love him soooo much! I want to marry him and have little babies and grow old with him! I don't care if he is a vampire! He can suck my blood ANY time! I don't care! Oh Light!

Love Misa


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Light-kun

I didn't know you kept a diary.

You really shouldn't hide it under your pillow. It is not a very creative hiding place. Also, I am not creepy. K-pop is a very popular genre of music. My music choices are none of your concern. I didn't complian when you went through your Spice Girls phase.

No matter what you say, I still suspect you. By the way, this woman who claims to be "The High Queen of Angst." called us and said she was Kira. A friend of yours perhaps?

L

**Dear Ryuuzaki**

**First of all, I did not go through a Spice Girls phase. Okay...I liked that one song...**

**Secondly, why the hell are you looking through my private things! Isn't enough that I have no time to myself! I hate you.**

**Also, I don't have a clue who this Queen of Angst is. I AM NOT KIRA!**

**Light**

Dear Light-kun

"That one song" almost drove me insane. Do you know how distracting it is to constantly hear _If you wanna be my lover_ over and over again?

I am sorry for invading your privacy but I was curious. You were always writing in this book and you never let me look. What if it was some kind of book that killed people or something of the sort? Anyway, I don't know why your so upset. Unless your trying to hide something? Like the fact that your Kira?

L

**Dear Ryuuzaki**

**I am not KIRA! And a notebook that kills people! That is totally ridiculous! **

**Who was that Angst women anyway? **

**Light**

Dear Light-kun

No idea.

L

**A/N: A special mention for the Characters Death!**


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Notebook

Misa has been banned from Light and I's living quarters. She refused my offer of cake saying that I was going to get fat. So, I told her that even though she didn't eat cake, she was still getting a little chubbier. Then she threw the cake at me. Of course I had to throw the cake back. Then a full scale food fight broke out. Matsuda and Light joined in. Then Mr Yagami shouted at us.

He said that if Misa was going to cause trouble then she wasn't getting to visit Light.

Misa started crying and screaming that nothing could keep Light and her apart. She tried to exit dramatically but the effect was ruined when she slipped in a piece of chocolate cake.

That is all for now.

L

**A/N: I'm changing the layout! Three diary entries per page! If you have any ideas please leave them in the reviews.**

Dear Diary

ITS SO UNFAIR! THAT PERVERT RYUUZAKI IS HORRIBLE!

I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE ATE CAKE ALL THE TIME HE'D GET FAT! THEN HE SAID I WAS CHUBBY! _CHUBBY!_

I THREW CAKE AT HIM AND THEN A FOOD FIGHT STARTED! LIGHTS DAD SAID IT WAS MY FAULT! _IT WAS RYUUZAKI THAT STARTED IT! _

HE SAYS I AM NOT ALOUD TO VISIT LIGHT ANYMORE! ITS NOT FAIR! AND I GOT CAKE ON MY DRESS!

WHAT WILL I DO! LIGHT IS MY LIFE! IF I CAN'T SEE HIM HOW WILL I SURVIVE! OH LIGHT!

Misa

Dear Journal

I am now free of Misa! Don't get me wrong, Misa is okay. But she is just so...clingy.

A break from her will be great! I am now going to enjoy my Misa free time while it lasts.

Light Yagami


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I finished Death Note...**

**WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?! :(**

Dear Light

I miss you so much! I am so lonely without you! I know its hard to bear our separation but don't worry! Nothing can tear us apart my love! Our love burns as strong as the sun! Please, don't be sad! Even if we're apart, my love for you will never change.

Love you forever

Misa

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Dear Misa-kun**

**I wouldn't worry about Light-kun being sad. He's actually been in extremely high spirits these last few days. The happiest I've seen him for awhile. **

**From Ryuuzaki**

Dear Ryuuzaki

That letter was for Light! How dare you read my private letters! Your such a massive pervert!

I'm sure on the inside, Light is in the deeps of despair! So there!

Misa

**Dear Misa-kun**

**I believe its spelled "depths"**

**I read your letter because you might have been sending Light-kun secret information regarding the Kira investigation. I am not a pervert. I am simply doing my job.**

**From Ryuuzaki**

Dear Ryuuzaki

You are so a pervert!

Anyway, why would I be sending Light information about Kira? I don't know anything about him!

From Misa

**Dear Misa-kun**

**So you say.**

**From Ryuuzaki**

Dear Ryuuzaki (who is a huge, fat pervert!)

I told you before I don't know anything! Neither does Light! Your so stupid.

From Misa

**Dear Misa-kun**

**I'm not the fat one.**

**From Ryuuzaki**

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Why did Misa try and kill you with a chair?_

_From Light_

**Dear Light-kun**

**I have no idea. **

**From Ryuuzaki**

_**Dear Members of the Kira Task Force**_

_**I am Kira. Screw Light Yagami.**_

_**Yours Sincerely**_

_**The High Queen of Angst**_

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! They make me so happy! :) **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! My computer had a glitch! :)**

_**L**_

Dear Notebook

I am extremely concerned about Light. Last night, I found a note declaring his undying love for me. This took me by suprise as Light often tells me he "hates" me. Also, I was under the impression he was going out with Misa. Oh dear god.

What will Misa do when she finds out? Last time I got between her and Light, she almost hit me with a chair. She is actually suprisingly strong. I'm scared.

I don't want to die.

L

_**LIGHT YAGAMI**_

_Dear Journal_

_Ryuuzaki has been acting really weird. He said to me a couple of minutes ago that "He was sorry but he didn't think of me that way."_

_What on earth is he talking about?_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

So, you didn't send me a note declaring your undying love for me! Thank goodness!

From Ryuuzaki

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Okay, firstly HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND MY DIARY?!_

_Secondly...wait...what?_

_I DID WHAT?!_

_Light_

Dear Light-kun

You sent me a note saying that you loved me. This is what it said;

_**Dear L**_

_**I am in love with you. I love your beautiful black hair which reminds me of ravens wings. I adore your dark eyes which burn as black as sin. I have been in love with you since I first met you and I know that you can't love me. It torments me to think of you. You are my world, my everything, my sweet agony.**_

_**Screw Misa.**_

_**Eternally Yours**_

_**Light Yagami **_

So, just to clarify, you do not think of me in anyway apart from as a friend?

From Ryuuzaki

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_NO!_

_Light_

Dear Light-kun

Thank goodness! I was very worried about Misa's wrath! She is extremely scary...

Wait, if you didn't send it, who did?

Ryuuzaki

**A/N: CLIFFHANGER! **

**To answer one of my reviewers, I don't really like yoai in general. Although I did write that one story...but lets not dwell to much on that fact...**

**I am very grateful to my reviewers! You are so awesome! :) LOVE YOU GUYS TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Dear Diary**

**OH GOD! Its TERRIBLE! This is THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!**

**I just got a really HORRIBLE letter FROM LIGHT! It said this!**

_Dear Misa._

_I am breaking up with you. I don't love you! I love Ryuuzaki! He is my one true love!_

_Your just so stupid and (I hate to break it to you) but your getting kinda fat. Plus, your just so WHINEY and ANNOYING! _

_I never loved you in the first place so don't feel bad. _

_Never talk to me again._

_Light Yagami_

**I WILL KILL THAT DAMN RYUUZAKI! HE SEDUCED MY LIGHT! I'M NOT FAT! HOW COULD LIGHT SAY THAT! AND HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME! AND I'M NOT STUPID! I WILL KILL THAT DAMN RYUUZAKI! I WILL SKIN HIM ALIVE WITH A SPOON! THEM I'LL RIP ALL HIS GUTS OUT AND SHOVE THEM UP HIS NOSE! GAH!**

**Misa**

Dear Misa-kun

I can assure you that Light did not send that letter! Anyway, even if he did (which he did not) I would not except his feelings! Please stop trying to kill me. Murderous rage isn't a good look for you.

And your not fat. Just slightly chubby. Like a chipmonk.

From Ryuuzaki

**Dear Ryuuzaki**

**I AM NOT FAT! OR CHUBBY! **

**Well, if Light didn't send that letter then who did? You said that nobody except the Kira Task Force could get in here! I bet it was Watari! **

**From Misa**

Dear Misa-kun

I highly doubt that. I don't think it is anyone in the building. You see, the people in the Kira Task Force know that if they did something like this then, I would catch them. Plus, what would they have to gain out of causing trouble for Light and I? Somehow, someone from outside the Kira Task Force is sending these letters and delivering them without anyone seeing them...

Based on this its highly likely that someone assosiated with Kira is sending these letters to cause trouble in the Task Force...

But who?

From Ryuuzaki

**Dear Ryuuzaki**

**Huh? Um...I don't know...maybe?**

**WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ANYWAY?!**

**From Misa**

Dear Misa-kun

I forgot that you are not intelligent enough to understand these things...

My mistake...

From Ryuuzaki

**Dear Ryuuzaki**

**I AM INTELLIEGENT...**

**INTELLEIGINT...**

**INTELEGENIT...**

**INTELIGANT...**

**SMART!**

**From Misa**

**A/N: So who is sending the letters? Give me some ideas!**


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear L_

_Hello. This is Near._

_Mello has been sending you those letters. Don't ask me why_

I HAVE NOT! IT WAS NEAR!

_As if I would do something so immature. _

Your the one that plays with dolls

_They are not dolls. They are action figures._

Dolls.

_Your the one who looks like a girl._

What did you say?!

_I didn't "say" anything._

YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME A GIRL!

_I did. Anyway, Mello has been sending you letters_

Have not.

_He got Matt to hack into Watari's computer_

Have not.

_Then he sent those letters to you and Misa Amane._

Have not.

_He also set fire to the kitchen._

That was...BB?

_BB is dead._

It was his ghost. It wanted jam.

_Of course. Anyway, in conclusion, Mello is a juvinile idiot, who quite frankly, makes a single celled organism look like Issac Newton. May I just add that Mello started giggling when I wrote the word organism._

I do not giggle. I snigger.

_Can someone please tell me how Mello managed to get into Wammy's?_

Because I'm smart, witty and just plain awesome.

_Don't forget beautiful._

Yeah...

_With your golden locks..._

Okay?

_And your ocean blue eyes..._

Huh?

_And your flawless, milky white skin..._

Umm...

_You are a very pretty girl._

WHAT?!

_I think Mello's on her period. _

I AM NOT A GODDAMN FEMALE!

_I'm sorry. I must of hurt your feelings._

Uh...no...

_You are a very sensitive young lady after all._

**Hey L. Mello is chasing Near with a knife. Sorry about the letters. Mello said he would be my slave for life if I hacked into Watari's computer. I couldn't refuse. **

**Besides, it was kinda funny. Bye.**

**Matt, Mello and Near.**

P.S. Mello would just like to say that he is indeed male.

Dear Mello, Matt and Near.

Thank you for explaining the letters. I was very distrested when I first recieved them. Firstly, please do not kill Near, Mello. It is against the law.

Secondly, I will be putting up more firewalls. Your hacking skills are formidible, Matt.

Also, I find it very unlikely that Beyond Birthday would come back as a ghost. Please do not joke about B. He was a very disturbed individule.

Goodbye. Please refrain from commiting any serious crimes while Watari is gone.

From L.

**A/N: How are you guys? It seems like forever since I last updated. I've been busy...with cosplay...**

**Yep! I am now a L cosplayer! YAY! I hope you enjoyed this! I am currently shipping MelloxMatt with my whole soul. Yes...I am turning into a yaoi fan. *shudders***


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Notebook

I am very pleased that the letter incident was resolved. I was extremely worried about Light-kun. And also Misa. I am terrifed of Misa.

Anyway, I told Roger to punish Mello and Matt for sending the letters. Even though they showed how vast their intelligence is by hacking into the database, I cannot allow them to continue with that sort of behaviour. It is very unprofessional.

I must leave now. I have some very important bussiness to attend to. Goodbye.

L

**Dear Stupid Girly Diary**

**L took my chocolate! Well, Roger took my chocolate but still...L ordered it! And Matt got his game taken off him and he blames me! It isn't my fault! IT IS SO UNFAIR! **

**Mello**

_**Dear Mello**_

_**If you hadn't asked me to hack into the database, I would still have my game! And stop whining! You sound like a girl.**_

_**Matt**_

**Dear Matt**

**Stop reading my diary! I mean journal!**

**You agreed to it! I didn't force you! I am NOT whining! Oh. **

**I AM NOT A GIRL!**

**Mello**

_**Dear Mello**_

_**I only agreed to it because you begged me to. Sure you aren't a girl...Princess.**_

_**And if you don't want people to read your diary, you should try hiding it a little better. **_

_**Matt**_

**Dear Matt**

** . .PRINCESS.**

**I AM A MAN DAMMIT! JUST BECAUSE I TAKE PRIDE IN MY APPEARANCE DOES NOT MAKE ME A GIRL! **

**I hate you.**

**Mello**

_**Dear Mello**_

_**You love me.**_

_**Matt**_

**Dear Matt**

**I hate you.**

**Mello**

_**Dear Mello**_

_**Thats not what you said last night.**_

_**Matt**_

**Dear Matt**

**...Well played.**

**Mello**

_Dear Mello and Matt_

_You both disgust me._

_Near_

**A/N: Sorry about the wait! I have been busy! Please come to my deviant art.**

Thanking you!


	11. Chapter 11

_Dear Notebook_

_I am very scared._

_Mello has been...harassing me. He keeps on telling me I'm "sexy" and that I "turn him on" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! _

_Everytime I see him, he winks at me! And he tried to kiss me! WHAT IS GOING ON!_

_Normally, I don't get worked up about things like this but this...this is just disturbing!_

_Near _

**Dear Stupid Girly Diary**

**We found a new way to annoy Near! Basically, Near is an emotionless robot. He doesn't show any emotion whatsoever. **

**So, we've been hitting on him! Its so funny! He just freaks out! I pretended to kiss him yesterday and he started crying! THIS IS AWESOME!**

**I think Near's going to have a mental breakdown! **

**Mello**

Dear Mello

So thats why you've been hitting on Near...

I was getting pretty jealous.

Matt

**Dear Matt**

**First of all, STOP READING MY DIARY!**

**Secondly, why would I like that sheep?**

**Mello**

Dear Mello

I will stop reading your diary when you stop leaving it out.

You gave a pretty convincing performance. I really thought you were in love with Near or something.

Matt

**Dear Matt**

**Why would I like Near?!**

**He is so...so...Neary.**

**Plus, he looks like a ten year old. That is very unattractive.**

**Mello**

_Dear Mello_

_I like you too._

_I only insult you because I am jealous of your good looks and charm. In fact, I'd give anything for you to be mine. I have always felt this way but I have always been to scared to tell you how I felt._

_I love you Melly Bear._

_Yours Sincerly _

_Near_

**Dear Near**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**DO NOT WANT! DO NOT WANT! DOOOO NOOOOT WANNNNNT!?**

**Mello**

**Dear Matt**

**NEAR SAYS HE LOVES ME! WHAT THE HELL!**

**Mello**

Dear Mello

You did lead him on though...

Poor little Near...unrequited love is so tragic...

Matt

**Dear Matt**

**Stop screwing around! He says he loves me! URGH!**

**Seriously, this is disturbing! He called me Melly Bear!**

**Mello**

Dear Mello

You brought this on yourself...Melly Bear.

Matt

_Dear "Melly Bear"_

_You shouldn't leave your diary out for anyone to read. _

_Near_

_**A/N: Hey! Thanks for reading! Sorry its just a short one today! I've been working on my new fanfic "Crimson Snow" **_

_**Please check it out! Love you all!**_


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Notebook

I hate seagulls.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Ha! I finally found your diary! I AM GOD! WORSHIP ME!_

_...disregard the last statement I made. Why do you hate seagulls?_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

I have always kept my diary in this drawer. Only an idiot would have taken this long to figure out where I kept it.

Anyway, I hate seagulls because they are demonic hell beasts that steal your food and make horrible cawing noises.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Seagulls are not demonic. _

_Now, cows...they are another story._

_Urgh..._

_Once, I was visiting a farm as a child and I went to feed the cows. IT BIT ME! I had to get three stiches._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

I fear seagulls because one of them attacked me when I went to the beach. It stole my cake.

Therefore, seagulls are evil.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Look! I was physically injured! My childhood experience was much more tramatic than yours!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

I may not have been injured but I can assure you, my emotional scars will last a lifetime...

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_IT WAS JUST CAKE!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

It wasn't just cake. It was strawberry cake with whipped cream and marshmellows. It was special.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki _

_Cake is not important._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

. -san.

Cake-san is very important in the fight against Kira. He gives me energy so that I can function well. He fills my stomach when I'm close to starvation! He is always there in my time if need! Cake-san is needed more in this investigation than you will ever be. Besides, Cake-san is swag.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_Oh dear lord. _

_You did not just say the word swag?! And why are you referring to cake as if it were a person?_

_You are...strange._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Cake-san says he can use the word swag if he wishes. Cake-san says you are strange.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki _

_What are you talking about?_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Cake-san says your hair is stupid. Bad Cake-san.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki _

_MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Cake-san says you are Kira.

L

_Dear "Cake-san"_

_Please tell Cake-san to shut up._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Cake-san says your changing the subject. Cake-san says you are fat.

L

_Dear "Cake-san"_

_SHUT UP!?_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Cake-san says that is what Kira would say.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_SHUT UP! I AM NOT FAT! MY HAIR IS NOT STUPID! AND I AM NOT KIRA! SO SHUT UP!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

Please stop shouting at my cake. It makes him feel sad.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_I am going to go before I end up murdering both you and Cake-san._

_Goodbye._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

You are threatening a piece of cake. Your chances of being Kira have rose by 23%

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_I do not give a...duck._

_Now, go eat Cake-san and leave me alone._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

I cannot eat Cake-san. I have grown attached. He is my friend! I could never

Never mind. I ate him. He was delicious.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki _

_Thats what she said._

_Light Yagami_

**A/N: Hey guys! I wrote this at 3:00am so it might not be my best work! Bye!**


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Notebook

I am very tired.

I have not slept in around 4 days. I have been falling asleep at work causing Light-kun to call me Mr Sloth.

The reason is simple.

I was just browsing the internet one day when I came across a story about someone called Jeff. Jeff the Killer.

I found myself unable to stop reading these online horror stories (known as creepypastas) and have been afraid to sleep since...

I think I need proffesional help.

L

_Dear Mr Sloth_

_Ha! Once again I have found your diary! You are all inferiour to the great and mighty Light Yagami!_

_...sorry._

_Who is Jeff the Killer? Is he a seagull._

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

...Really?

Is he a seagull? No.

But he is still extremely scary.

Also, I did not hide it. I told you before, I always put it in that drawer.

Stop calling me Mr Sloth.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_...why did I google creepypasta?!_

_AH! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?_

_I am scared. I am scared. I am scared._

_JEFF IS GOING TO GET ME! HELP!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

While your at it...you should google blue waffles.

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_..._

_..._

_...WHY?! YOU ARE SO EVIL! _

_IT IS NOT A WAFFLE THAT IS BLUE! AH!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

The internet stole my childhood.

The internet is evil...

L

_Dear Ryuuzaki_

_KILL THE INTERNET!_

_Light Yagami_

Dear Light-kun

That was a very Kira-like thing to say...

L

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! I have been busy with school, homework and yes, creepypasta! JEFF IS AWESOME! But scary. **

**I will be updating soon! **


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